


The Sculpture

by useyourtelescope (thedreamygirl)



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Parks and Recreation
Genre: But Mostly Humor, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Slightly case fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-03 02:46:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6593608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedreamygirl/pseuds/useyourtelescope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Rosa, Jake, you’ll be taking the case. You need to discover if their apparent insatiable sexual chemistry is merely a smokescreen to distract us from the details of the theft, or if…”</p><p>“They’re just total horndogs?” Jake supplied.</p><p>“Yes, exactly.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sculpture

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thinlizzy2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinlizzy2/gifts).



> I love both these shows and so when you suggested a crossover I couldn't resist! This is not quite as shippy as I originally intended it to be but as you said you'd like interactions between other characters in Brooklyn Nine-Nine I ran with that. I had a lot of fun writing it and I hope you like it!
> 
> This is set late season 2 Brooklyn Nine-Nine and in a slightly au Parks and Recreation where Ron and Tammy didn't split up.

11.02 a.m.

Gina was the last to find out…was a sentence that had never been before uttered she would have noted, but it was true this morning. She had been up late at dance rehearsals so she got to the precinct much later than usual. Gina spotted some unusual movement around the holding cell from over the top of her sunglasses but breezed past the scene on the way to her desk. She would have simply continued to read her texts without looking up except that in the act of taking off her sunglasses she noticed Holt staring blankly through the window of his office; a dead, sunken expression in his eyes.

Placing her sunglasses on her desk, Gina stepped through the open office door. “Captain Holt?”

“Gina. Hello,” he said mutely, not turning his head.

His lack of response, not even commenting on her “tardiness” as he usually referred to it, was enough to concern her. “Captain?” she prompted. “You okay?”

He heaved a sigh before meeting her eyes. His reply was slow, measured. “I have seen things that cannot be unseen.”

“Okay, drama queen,” Gina laughed. “What happened?”

 

Let's rewind a little.

 

7.57 a.m.

There was a time when Amy wouldn’t have been able to handle being beaten into the office on a Monday morning by any of the other detectives. Now, however, she would freely admit that on the occasions Rosa, Jake or Charles were in before her, it barely bothered her at all.

This, however, was not acceptable.

“What are you two doing here? How are you even awake yet?”

Scully and Hitchcock looked at each other.

“I’ll have you know Amy that we’ve been awake for nearly twenty minutes,” Scully said, pouting.

“Then, how did you get here so quickly?”

“We slept here,” Hitchcock explained, a proud smirk on his face.

“Why would you come in last night to – wait! You slept here since Friday?” Amy exclaimed, her eyebrows shooting up.

“We weren’t sleeping the whole weekend,” Hitchcock pointed out, offended.

“But why would you just stay here? And what about the weekend crew?” They started to explain that the weekend crew hadn’t seemed to mind their presence, but Amy cut in, “You know what, never mind.” She marched away from them with her sleek ponytail swaying behind her to place her bag and coffee cup on her desk. She sat down, but abruptly stood up again when she looked across to the holding cell. “What is going on?”

Hitchcock and Scully wheeled themselves over slightly so they could have a better view of the cell, which currently only had two occupants. On the far side, a man with brown hair and a moustache, sat on the bench, his palms in his lap. He wore brown khakis, a dark green collared t-shirt with long sleeves, and a veritable grin on his face. – Probably a result of the woman dancing for him on the other side of the cell.

“Oh, that’s our new case,” Scully explained, with a satisfied smile. “They got brought in just now.”

“What?” Amy asked, hands raising as she stood once more, approaching the cell. The woman flicked her dark hair behind her and slightly lowered her glasses to throw an exaggerated wink at the three observers, before returning her attention to her male companion, who giggled.

Amy stopped in her tracks, thrown by the sheer number of questions racing through her mind at the situation. She was about to ask Hitchcock and Scully to explain the details of the arrest when the woman in the cell suddenly stripped off her blouse, leaving her only in her bra and skirt.

“Whoa, ma’am, you – Hitchcock!” Amy yelled suddenly.

Hitchcock looked over at Amy, shirt now in his hands rather than on his chest and shrugged. “She started it.”

 

8.34 a.m.

“Rosa!” The detective looked up, and saw Amy, Charles and Terry peeking through a gap in the closed blinds of the break room, while Jake’s head popped over the frame of the open door.

Confused, Rosa threw a stern glare towards the perp she’d just put in holding as he settled down across from her, before striding into the break room.

Jake quickly shut the door behind her. “Rosa, what did you just do?”

She raised an eyebrow at him, annoyed. “I was on my way to work when I spotted the lead suspect in that B&E from last week. He insists he’s innocent,” Rosa added to Terry, “but don’t worry, I’ll break him.”

“Okay, you gotta take him to the interrogation room,” Terry stated.

Rosa frowned. “I will, Sarge, I just need to look through my file again.”

“No, you have to take him now, Rosa,” Amy told her, nodding seriously.

Jake nodded in agreement. “You cannot leave him in holding with… _them_.”

“Them?” she repeated, recalling the other two occupants of the cell. The man and woman had been sat opposite her perp, with their heads facing each other, but she hadn’t noticed anything significant. “Why, are they dangerous?”

The other four shared a look.

“Not as far as we can tell,” Terry conceded.

“Just, extremely…amorous,” Amy explained, with a pained shrug.

Rosa stared at her. “Amorous?” she repeated slowly, unable to hide a hint of amusement from creeping into her voice.

“ _Extremely_ ,” Jake insisted.

“Actually,” Boyle said with a smile, “I think it’s quite sweet.”

The other three rounded on him. “Boyle!”

Rosa scoffed at their expressions. “How bad can it be?”

Any reply was interrupted by a sudden shaking sound coming from outside, quickly followed by yelling. “I confess! Detective Diaz, I confess! Just let me out of here!”

 

9.20 a.m.

“It would appear,” Holt began at the slightly delayed morning briefing, “that Mr. Ron Swanson and Mrs. Tam –”

“Actually, when I questioned her, she asked to be called Ms., sir,” Boyle corrected, glancing at his notebook.

Holt paused. Then, through slightly gritted teeth, “Mr. Ron Swanson and _Ms_. Tammy Swanson were caught in the midst of… a rendezvous at an art show last night.”

“He means they were smooshing booties,” Jake explained, from his seat at the front table next to Boyle, glancing behind him to find Amy and Rosa staring back with matching unimpressed looks on their faces.

“Yeah, we got it Jake.”

“It was very clear.”

He nodded. “Okay, then.”

“The gallery owner said they were escorted from the premises around 10, but he didn’t call the police until half an hour later when he realised one of the pieces from the same room Ron and Tammy were found,” Holt cleared his throat, “ _smooshing booties_ in, was missing. Their description was sent out last night and two patrol officers picked them up this morning when they saw them coming out of the Subway. They admit to their interlude, but not to the theft. Rosa, Jake, you’ll be taking the case. You need to discover if their apparent insatiable sexual chemistry is merely a smokescreen to distract us from the details of the theft, or if…”

“They’re just total horndogs?” Jake supplied.

“Yes, exactly.”

 

10.49 a.m.

“Don’t worry, Captain,” Terry reassured his boss as they were finishing their conversation, in Holt’s office. “Santiago doesn’t have many open cases at the moment so I can always assign her to help Peralta and Diaz find the sculpture if they need it.”

“That’s alright, Sergeant Jeffords,” he replied easily, and they both stood, and approached the closed office door. “I don’t want this case to consume the 99, simply because of the wayward antics of our lead suspects. I’m sure Diaz and Peralta have a handle on it.”

“Me too, sir,” Terry agreed, trying to mirror the Captain’s certainty, before opening the door.

Both men stared, astounded at the holding cell. Jake, Rosa, Amy and Boyle were all absent from the bull pen, but Hitchcock and Scully looked on with interest as Ron and Tammy were being forcibly parted by a number of uniformed officers. Ron seemed displeased, but it was Tammy who was putting up more of a fight, pulling against the arms of the two men holding her back and kicking her legs against them.

Terry and Holt both moved quickly towards the scene, intending to bring some order to the proceedings as Holt shouted instructions to the officers, when Tammy kicked upwards, causing her right shoe to fall off. She then hooked her right foot around one of the bars of the cell to give her some leverage in fighting them off, but in the process her skirt was thrown back, revealing the lack of garments underneath.

Terry exclaimed in surprise, while the officers tried to pull her back to no avail.

It was Ron who spoke first, directing himself to Captain Holt. “Sir, please avert your eyes from between my wife’s legs.”

“Oh, that’s okay, Ron,” Tammy drawled, looking at the Captain who continued to stare in shock, “I don’t mind.”

Terry glanced over and saw the Captain visibly shudder. “I’ll get Santiago to help out with the case.”

“Boyle too.”

“Yes, sir.”

 

11.11 a.m.

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Terry started. “We’re going to keep Ron Swanson in the break room and Tammy Swanson in the interrogation room. The four of you will take turns keeping an eye on them, while I go with Rosa to the gallery. Every half hour one of you will trade places so that one person is always with them and the other two can get some actual work done.”

“How come Terry gets to go to the gallery and I’m stuck on babysitting with these three?” Jake asked, jerking a thumb towards Amy, Charles and Gina, who all looked offended in response. “Holt assigned the case to me and Rosa.”

“We’re going to watch their security tapes,” Rosa said flatly. “The owner had one set up in the room where the item was stolen. Apparently, it is very, very graphic.”

“Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. Well, I’m just going to stay here and stand guard over them when they are separated while you go watch a tape of them doing it.”

“Try to talk to them to see if you can get any clues out of them,” Terry instructed, “but if they start anything you just shut that down.”

“Sarge, great plan,” Amy said, a strained smile on her face, “but what do we do if during our half hour we need to leave early because we need to get a drink of water, or because we need to use the bathroom, or –“

“Or because they’re straight-up terrible?” Gina interrupted.

“Yeah, or that,” Amy agreed.

“It’s just 30 minutes, guys,” Terry insisted. “Now that they’re separated, they’re bound to be a lot calmer. You can handle it.”

“Or we can just yell ‘Switch!’ really loudly ‘til someone comes running,” Jake suggested.

Boyle grinned. “Great plan, Jake.”

“Okay, who wants first watch on Tammy?” Terry asked.

The others exchanged frantic looks before a voice piped up from behind them, “I’ll watch her.”

They all turned to see stood in the doorway of the break room, a smirking Hitchcock.

Matching grimaces spread across their faces as Terry yelled, “No!”

 

11.34 a.m.

“Amy! Boyle! Somebody!”

Amy twisted away from her computer quickly at the harried tone of Jake’s voice. He rushed towards her, before dropping down on the seat by her desk, leaning his weight on the table. “Jake, are you okay?”

He lifted his head to meet her eyes before responding, still slightly panting, “Did you not hear me yelling switch?”

“No,” she said, rolling her eyes a little.

“Boyle said he would be on alert.”

“Boyle left something in his car. What happened that was so bad?”

Jake’s face twisted as he started to recount the story, “Tammy was convinced someone was watching behind the glass. In case you hadn’t noticed, she’s something of an exhibitionist.”

Amy gasped. “Oh no.”

“I managed to handcuff her to the table so she’d stop dancing, but…she liked it.”

Amy scrunched her eyes shut against the mental image. “Oh, God.”

“I think I need new eyes. Possibly a new brain. Have they made those Men in Black memory wiper things yet?”

“We’re going to need new furniture in there too,” Amy pointed out. “We can’t go to Mean Marge with this.”

“Or was it called a memory eraser?” Jake wondered, “It was a something ‘iser’, ooh memory riser! No –“

“Jake, focus!” Amy snapped.

“Right, sorry.”

“We can’t just leave her in there.”

Jake shook his head repeatedly, and reached out for her arm. “Please don’t make me go back in there, Amy.”

“Jake – “

Amy was interrupted by a returning Charles, who had heard Jake’s last comment. “It’s alright, Jakey, I’ll save you,” he declared, dropping his things onto his desk chair. “I was going in next anyway.”

“But Boyle,” Jake exclaimed, twisting round to look at him, “that’ll be forty minutes! You’ll never survive!”

“For you, buddy, I will.”

“You are truly the best of men, Charles.”

Boyle beamed. “And you, Jake, are like a delicate snowflake, falling towards – “

“Okay, Charles, I think we’re good.”

 

12.05 p.m.

The sound of the receiver slamming down onto Holt’s desk intrigued Gina, but wasn’t enough to make her look up from her phone. However, it was soon followed by his presence at her desk.

“Gina, I am heading out for lunch. If a Ms. Leslie Knope from Pawnee, Indiana calls again, please tell her that I am unavailable, and that sea witches are not real.”

“Oh, they’re totes real, Captain.”

Holt blinked at her once before stepping away. No sooner was he in the elevator did the phone ring, and Gina managed to pause her game in time to answer the call before it ended.

“This is Burt Macklin of the FBI, I’ve just received an anonymous tip from a Miss Leslie Knope that you – “

“Wrong number.”

“Oh.” The voice on the other end of the line paused. “Sorry ma’am. Have a nice day.”

“Thanks, buh-bye.”

 

12.29 p.m.

“Okay, what’s your horror story?” Jake asked, a mixture of trepidation and excitement on his face as he looked at Amy calmly settling back at her desk, placing her files down. “What did Ron do?”

“Nothing,” she shrugged.

“He must have done something.”

“Nope. When I tried to ask him some questions about the case he said how this was all a waste of taxpayer’s money, and then proceeded to complain about the government for ten minutes. Then, we just sat in silence.”

“That’s it?” Jake wondered.

Amy nodded, “Didn’t even make eye contact.”

“He basically just glared at the vending machine the whole time I was there,” Gina called over.

“I got so much paperwork done in there,” Amy confided with a smile, “I didn’t even notice I had overrun my time.”

“What?” Jake checked the time before exclaiming, “Oh my god, you did 45 minutes? That means Boyle’s been in there for almost an hour!”

“He hasn’t come out yet?” Amy gasped.

Jake shot up, shouting, “Boyle, I’ll save you, buddy!” Amy and Gina ran after him, all three coming to a halt behind the glass so they could see just how bad Boyle’s situation was.

Boyle had his back to them, but they could all hear the grin on his face as he continued speaking, “and then once it’s all lathered up –“

“Mmmm,” Tammy purred with a smile, running her fingers over as much of her hands as she could reach around the cuffs.

“Switch!”

“Guys, he can’t hear you,” Amy pointed out.

Boyle continued, “You’ve got to really give it a good –“

“I am out,” Gina stated, leaving the room sharply.

Jake started tapping on the glass urgently, repeating, “Switch! Switch!”

Boyle turned around and waved at the glass. “It’s okay, guys, I can keep watch here. Tammy and I were just discussing the finer points of shampooing your lover’s hair. Sounds like Ron and Tammy really have it down to an art form.”

Tammy grinned in their direction. “Detective Boyle was just about to tell me how he gives a really good head massage. I bet you stroke it really well,” she added, looking back at him.

He laughed, twisting back to face her. “Well, if you don’t stroke it properly, it just won’t be stimulating enough will it?”

“No, it certainly wouldn’t.”

“I remember what it is now,” Jake said, scrunching his eyes shut.

“What?” Amy asked looking over at Jake, trying to keep herself from gagging.

“I need a neuralyzer.”

 

13.04 p.m.

“Sorry again about all this, sir,” Boyle apologised to Ron. Although the security tapes had been a bust, Rosa had found pictures of the event that were posted on social media that had proven the sculpture was still in the building when the Swansons were escorted off the premises. “Here’s your wallet,” Jake offered him, “and – where’s the rest?” he wondered, tipping the empty plastic upside down and shaking it. “I’m sorry, sir, there must be some sort of mix-up.”

“Not at all,” Ron said, putting the wallet in his back trouser pocket. “I normally carry less when I’m at home.”

“Less?” Jake repeated. “But where are your keys?”

“I do not have to answer that.”

“What about your gum?”

Ron glanced sternly between the two of them. “What kind of grown man walks around with gum in his pockets?”

“The regular kind who wants to keep his breath minty-fresh. I mean, it doesn’t have to be gum,” Jake conceded.

“Mints, for example,” Boyle suggested.

“Exactly. Nothing wrong with a man enjoying a nice refreshing mint,” Jake agreed.

“I may just have a mint right now.”

“Excellent idea, Boyle,” Jake said, before realising they’d completely been ignoring Ron and turned around.

It turned out Ron had taken to ignoring them too, as he looked serenely over at Tammy, who was winking at him as Rosa handed her back her possessions.

“Hey, but what about that?” Jake asked, catching Ron’s attention when he pointed. “What is that in your pocket?”

Ron’s head didn’t move as he glanced down before meeting Jake’s eyes once more. “That’s my penis.”

Jake stared. “Good day to you, sir.”

 

13.10 p.m.

“Well, that was fun, right?”

Ron smirked at Tammy’s grin, bright in the afternoon light of the dirty New York street. “Woman we just spent the morning in a government institution and I wasn’t even paid for it.”

“And you had fun,” Tammy winked at him, taking his hand to pull him closer to her so she could grab his butt. “But, god, what a stupid crime. Why would we steal something so ugly? Could they not tell we have taste?”

“That sculpture was heinous,” Ron agreed as they began walking away from the building.

“You have no idea what the sculpture looked like.”

“No, I do not,” he admitted. “I still can’t believe you convinced me to go to an art gallery on my vacation.”

“And you had fun there too,” Tammy giggled, pinching his side.

Ron grabbed her hand and pulled her sharply to him so she was pressed up close against him. “With you? Always.” Tammy grinned in response. “Back to Pawnee, then?” Ron suggested.

Tammy cocked her head to the side, considering as a smirk grew on her face.

“Woman, I know that look.”

“Well, we did waste most of our last day in a police station. Surely, we could stay for just one more day?” Tammy suggested. “I can take another day off.”

“Of course _you_ can,” Ron scoffed, “you work for the library.”

“And you don’t do any work at all!” Tammy shouted, pushing him back. “Leslie runs your whole department.”

“Exactly! That’s why it’s more important that I go back,” Ron explained. “To prevent her efficiency.”

Tammy rolled her eyes. “Oh, what a load of crap.”

“Shut your mouth.” Ron narrowed his eyes at her.

She did the same right back at him. “Make me.”

 

13.11 p.m.

“Another day at the 99, another case solved.”

“You know, we haven’t found who stole the sculpture, right, Jake? All we did was eliminate our only suspects,” Rosa pointed out, gesturing towards Ron and Tammy who were a few steps ahead of them outside the precinct.

“Okay, back to the drawing board, then. It’s a case only the 99 can solve!” he said with dramatic flair.

“That’s the spirit, Jake!” Boyle grinned.

“Actually, I have a lead,” Amy piped up. “I found out the gallery owner’s in serious debt. And that sculpture is the most expensive piece from the show that didn’t have any buyer’s interest last night.”

“And these two made for a good distraction while he got rid of the sculpture himself,” Rosa surmised.

“Insurance fraud,” Jake nodded. “Noice.”

“Let’s compare what you found with what Terry and I got from the gallery,” Rosa said to Amy who nodded in response, turning to leave. She stopped when she looked back at their departing guests.

“Oh no.”

“What?” Boyle asked, looking on with a smile at Ron and Tammy’s passionate embrace. “It’s so nice to see a couple not afraid to show their affection.

Rosa scoffed. “You know if they keep going we’re going to have to arrest them right?”

“What for?” Boyle wondered. “Vandalising police property?” he asked as they started to roll on top of the police car.

“Public indecency, Boyle!” Amy exclaimed.

“It’s not that bad, I mean –“

“Okay, and now we can see her underwear,” Jake said.

Rosa grimaced. “I don’t think that’s her underwear.”

“No!” Amy gasped.

“Ah, my eyes!” Jake yelled, twin looks of horror breaking over his and Amy’s faces, while Rosa unclipped her handcuffs from her belt.

Boyle sighed. “Love.”


End file.
